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Sleepsghostlight wrote
on July 30th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
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Paper Journal: Director's Cut

I had a nightmare today - the memory of what exactly is hazy, but I awoke feeling more alone than I have before.
Confirmed with Heather before she went to the therapist that our talk last week was, indeed, us breaking up. Doesn't seem to affect her; shouldn't expect it to, really… Have gotten a touch suicidal, will have to keep an eye on that.
~
April 28th… Heather is gone in close to three weeks. It will be curious to be actually alone again. I don't think I ever realised quite how long we'd been living in this stagnation… I hope to god Benjamin doesn't die while in my care. Not because I expect myself to be negligent, but because I have grown fond of him and I'm still yet to say a final farewell to anything of which I am… I exit this relationship in good spirits though it has had its troubles it has grown me quite considerably and I definitely think it has prevented me from getting more conservative and prudish than I'd like to be… I would like to think I'm quite modern despite the bizarrely old-fashioned values I seem to have developed at some point in my youth. Inexplicably so, given the modernity of my prime care-giver. I am still getting old though. Dating the same person for five years? It's been EIGHT since María called me? I am worried not that I have not long left, but that I may not find more to fill it with.
~
And sometimes it's not a fear that it'll never happen again, but a painful certainty that it will never be as good as that could have been.
~
I dreamt of a girl - any girl, I guess, will do for a dream - and woke this morning with the longing for her. As the memories of Heather die and fade I find it increasingly an annoyance that my desire to bestow affection upon somebody does not, and I am very probably going to have to learn to live with that desire finding itself impotent.
~
Everything is drifting away; sinking into the wastes of time.
~
I miss Heather only in abstract now, which has become problematic as it is evoked by more than just an empty home.
~
Last night v. relaxing. Had a smoke and could actually physically feel my brain unknitting… Didn't get stoned, but it managed to just completely mellow out everything in my head; difference between me enjoying myself just cooking dinner and doing some cleaning and my prior incoherent and uncontrollable sobbing uselessness.
Slept soundly for the first time this week.
~
Glad I didn't know it would feel like this when she was gone or I would never have asked her to and would've wasted more of her life.

(Leave a comment)
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girlyunderwear
      [42.10.30.7.09]
At least youre not a virgin
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ghostlight
      [53.08.31.7.09]
Hedging my bets for the future I intentionally fixed that at 16.
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kalika
      [29.11.30.7.09]
Kitten. I haven't really had any idea what has been the go with you for awhile now, but I'm sorry to hear all of this. I hope the reality is less literary, and more ok.
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ghostlight
      [56.08.31.7.09]
I haven't either. Twilight on the moors; I have lived inside of myself for survival for so long that everything I need to express is inchoate.

I did cut a few semi-nice paragraphs, and mention of a girl.
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kalika
      [33.07.1.8.09]
I'm pleased that there were a few bits of happy to discard in order to depress us all.
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turkeyphant
      [50.02.31.7.09]
What's the timeframe here and what is Benjamin?

Brother, revel in the incoherence and the uselessness.
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ghostlight
      [10.09.31.7.09]
Well, there's one dated April 28th. The entry before that would be slightly earlier April. The last entry was made the day of the post. I write inconsistently.

Benjamin is a this
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turkeyphant
      [42.11.31.7.09]
I don't know whether it's true that it could never be as good again or whether it's a meaningless question due to incommensurability.
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ghostlight
      [37.10.1.8.09]
The issue is more that it's not a question, just a feeling. It is ever so hard to argue against those.
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the8th
      [32.08.31.7.09]
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ghostlight
      [14.09.31.7.09]
Don't get me wrong, these entries are all entirely from the ass-end of the relationship, when it was beyond repair. If it had never been good it would never have hurt.
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1010110011
      [51.02.1.8.09]
I adore you and your rabbit.
---------
So we are twins, then? You and me, we're both alone.

And.. 'tis -so- nice to say "hello" to you, again.

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ghostlight
      [37.10.1.8.09]
I'm the cute twin.
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agentvaughan
      [00.05.3.8.09]
So what actually happened between you two? How did I miss all this?
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ghostlight
      [18.10.3.8.09]
Essentially our living situation allowed a whole bunch of resentment to build up on both sides without allowing either of us to really blow it off or resolve it, so we drifted apart before we, at least I, really noticed what was happening.
Underneath that were other unresolved issues that had been there for a while and probably were quite capable of being dealt with, but we were so worn down that we mentally and emotionally couldn't cope with them on top of everything else.

You missed it because you're a terrible friend who doesn't keep in touch.
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agentvaughan
      [46.02.4.8.09]
My only internets is on my Blackberry so we can't talk as much as we used to. I'm sorry about Heather. I worry about that same thing happening to me and my boyfriend which is why I try to keep a personal life, too.
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ghostlight
      [13.09.4.8.09]
¡I never had a personal life to begin with!


¿How do you pirate movies and slay internet dragons with a phone? I don't understand.
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agentvaughan
      [59.04.4.8.09]
It's very difficult :(

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