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Sleepsghostlight wrote
on August 22nd, 2009 at 02:15 am
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Miyazaki just isn't the same without her.

I have written small notes in my ubiquitous journal, including two pre-drafts of a poem, but every time I write a nice entry in there I seem to miss a day of sleep and then the world comes crashing down the next day - I can't concentrate, and several times I wept openly at my desk.
I watch faces go past me like visitors at a zoo. Only my mother asks how I'm doing. I feel like I wear everything on my face, so I can't understand how people don't realise I need someone to say hello. I can't say hello. I eat takeout or a whole tomato with salt sprinkling on it because I can't bear to cook. I don't do laundry, and I don't clean up.

Then, the next morning, I'm fine.

Tim says I'm bipolar. I think it's less serious than that. I just haven't remembered how to shovel dirt on my feelings fast enough to avoid them surfacing like I used to. Then, they were hands clawing from the grave until broken by the face of a shovel - now I actually feel them rather than just experience. The difference is magnitudes.
That or it's just sugar crashes. I do have quite the sweet tooth.


I'm told I have to make a decision about what I want the family to get me for my 30th. Really, all I can think of asking for is a nice suit and a good pair of gloves. Everything else is dreams I should realise myself.

Sometimes I worry that life is passing me by. Sometimes I wish there was more time to just sit and be with Benjamin - give him a hongi and let him climb on top of me. I can sleep with the door open now that the seasons have changed here, and the birds have started up in the early morning hours that I've become accustomed to keeping in the last 6 weeks. Monday I start a new job and I'll be getting up at 7am rather than staying up till 2am. I will miss them. I tried recording them, but microphones don't work like ears so they, and the night-traffic, are drowned beneath a wall of wind.

I've started reading again. I was going to go to the library, but someone never returned my library card before they left the country.

(Leave a comment)
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agentvaughan
      [21.05.21.8.09]
Youre probably not bipolar. Thats a more serious condition than people think. Youre just going through shit. Whats a hongi?
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ghostlight
      [10.01.22.8.09]
It's a formal Maori greeting where you press your noses together in order to intermingle your life force.
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agentvaughan
      [18.02.22.8.09]
Oh it sounds like food. And I agree with Mai.
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ghostlight
      [44.10.22.8.09]
You can have food at a hangi, which is basically a Maori equivalent of a barbecue.

And yeah, but last I checked neither of you were volunteering.
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agentvaughan
      [55.11.22.8.09]
Were committed womens.
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girlyunderwear
      [59.03.22.8.09]
You need to find someone else, if you wanna get out of this. Until then keep reading and writing.
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iamred
      [35.10.28.8.09]
i have spent the last 4 hours going through my journal, from the beginning in 2001 til about 2004. there are soo many entries that talk about you. its amazing how time flies. and everything is a huge blur.

and lately for me how i deal with things is through memories, because its usually all i have. i have really cut myself off from soo many people and everything around me. because i have a hard time dealing with stuff. its all overwhelming.

i want you to know, and i know i have said this before, that i do think about you from time to time, and i may not come and write to you and i may not come and say it, but i mean it.

at one time you were a huge part of me. at one time i was soo lost in you. at one time i loved you with everything that i was.

im telling you this now, because you are not alone in your thoughts. there is always someone somewhere Mike, that cares and thinks of you. even if you haven't talked to them in years.

to be honest, i miss our friendship.
i miss our talks.
i miss you.


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ghostlight
      [29.10.31.8.09]
All of those days seem like such a distant memory. I don't know where all those pieces of me went. What is it that we leave behind in the wake of time.

Born to bleed our life across the stars.
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iamred
      [34.10.31.8.09]
you know when i try to think about those times, i have a hard time remembering, reading all those things were like a past life. i knew i wrote them, i know i felt them, but it was so long ago. so far away.

however, i remember our friendship, and the times we talked, and what it was like to know you.

and i really want you to know, you are not alone. even if those days are faded from your memory, that was the past, and this is the present.

i hope you are feeling somewhat better over there.

-hugs
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munkimunki
      [48.04.28.8.09]
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ghostlight
      [38.10.31.8.09]
I can.

I'm a little…sentimental, about books. In a novel of the future I would be the underground character with a room full of books and a musty old chair that the hero visits to get information that's purged from the net.

(Leave a comment)

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