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Defaultghostlight wrote
on July 6th, 2002 at 02:09 pm
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Goodbye soul

I attended my first funeral today
Jessie, Anthony's dog was put to sleep a month or so ago, and they thought it might help him deal with it.
It was odd, it came my time to speak and I panicked so much my mouth moved of its own accord. I talked of how much energy Jessie had, of waht fun they had together because they had the same energy levels. After everyone talked, and a bit during, he cried a little, which was striking, and while they buried the box containing her ashes in the backyard with a little wooden cross Anthony had made himself, I thought;
I don't deal with loss.
I get up and move on, there's no ceremony, when my cat left, I missed her, but there was never a definative time I went "she's gone" - it was just a sort of shrug and "well, be well on your journey."
It made I think, ¿was it wrong not to deal with loss? ¿Was it disrespectful not to acknowledge the hurt outwardly?
Mother said something during it that I immediately thought "that was zen" in response to, I've been reading quite a bit about it, but I found it odd that I made that connection.
There was food afterward, which I needed after nearly collapsing in hunger pains before arriving there; then I played Anthony at a game of table soccer, strange how different our playing styles were, my game tended to be slow and deliberate while his was very fast and aimed at disorientation.
When we left, I gave Anthony a hug and then said that I was proud of him because it takes a lot of strength to let something go. He very soundly said "yeah" in a dismissive response and I kind of felt bad, because I was trying to reach out to him and he wouldn't take it. But I'll never know if he just didn't want to hear Jessie had gone or if he didn't understand.
I wanted that sentence to make it all better for him, even though I know it wouldn't for anyone.

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porphyria : Hello love
I love how aware you are.
ghostlight : Re: Hello love
¿How do you mean?

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